And Truth Be Told I've Tried My Best
by loch jess monster
Summary: James's blood ran cold. In an instant his wand was out and pointed at the door. He turned it in his hand nervously, slowly moving in front of the stairs; whoever it was they weren't going up there if it meant he was going to die to make it true.


**nanana author's note: **so hey kiddos, it's jess and this is the EDITED version of mr. james potter's death ): goddamn peter...anyway, yeah, so i write this and then FINALLY got inspired to edit it and make it way better. at least, I HOPE. so read, tell me what you think of it, hopefully enjoy, and whether or not you did leave me a review because i want to knoooow these things! aha. okay yeah so...BYE.

**oh wait one more thing: **i don't own the lovely james or lily potter, nor do i own voldemort or any other characters mentioned here, charlotte & ella are friends' OCs, jo wrote harry potter and created all this blahblahblah, the lyrics right down here are from RENEGADE by STYX, and i don't own that/them either, so DON'T SUE ME. i just wrote this!

* * *

_"The jig is up, the news is out  
They finally found me  
The renegade who had it made  
Retrieved for a bounty  
Never more to go astray  
The judge will have revenge today  
On the wanted man."_

It was Halloween, and James was in the kitchen doing dishes.

He was blasting Styx on the radio, singing loudly and out-of-key, and washing _dishes_. This was how he amused himself these days, and he found it rather sad. It was just a year ago that they'd formally announced Lily's pregnancy, and not three months after when the Order decided they were going to put them on house arrest. It was a miserable existence; that he'd decided straight away. They couldn't get outside for more than ten minutes every other day and had been forced to cut off nearly all contact with the outside world. He hadn't spoken to anyone besides Harry (and those weren't very long conversations anyway), Lily and recently, Peter; in months. It certainly didn't help that the few times Peter had come to visit in the past week he'd brought news like "Sirius got a flying bike!" or "Mary Macdonald got married!" It was typical, really, he thought bitterly; that all the fun would happen just when he couldn't be there to join in.

As days went, though, this had been a particularly good one; he'd had quite a nice chat with some friends on the enchanted parchment he'd used all through his school years (that's a bit of nostalgia for you, he thought), and spent the rest of the time decorating the house for the holiday with Lily. Well, the inside of it, anyway. Then they'd transfigured some clothes into Halloween costumes, and he had taken Harry "trick-or-treating" around to different rooms while Lily apparated around and hid behind the doors with candy. If a year ago to the day, you'd told him this was how Harry's first real Halloween was going to transpire, he'd have called you mental. Now he was pretty sure he'd believe anything.

"Fuck the Order, I'm getting out of here soon," he announced to nobody in particular, scrubbing in time to the rhythm.

Giving up on the task at hand (or rather losing interest in), James slumped tiredly into a kitchen chair, leaving the water running. He let his head loll back so he stared at the speckled beige ceiling, twiddling his thumbs in a vain attempt to rid himself of the uncomfortable fidgety feeling. Poor Harry had hardly seen the outside world yet - he and Lily were going to take him on a trip to Paris, but they'd had to reschedule it for the following year, much to Lily's disappointment (she'd practically been on her knees begging for James to take her after they had abandoned their original France plans in preference of Amsterdam the summer after graduation). Over the past few months James had nearly _felt_ himself getting paler from the lack of sunlight. He cringed inside a bit as he caught himself sub-consciously running a hand through his already untidy mop of hair; the old habit now only came back to haunt him when he was either deep in thought or anxious (thank Merlin, he'd never realized how ridiculous it was), and at the current moment he found that both conditions applied.

For all he bluffed and complained, though, James knew he was staying right where he was. He wasn't Dumbledore's spy; he didn't know what Voldemort and his followers were planning, and he absolutely refused to put his family in danger. Although if he was being honest with himself, he would have rather been just plain nervous than nervous and locked up, to boot. The addition of the Fidelius charm had appeased most of his doubts, though he was beginning to wish they'd kept Sirius as the Secret Keeper. Peter was being strangely gloomy and it had only helped to put a further damper on James's mood. "I forgot to ask him about that, didn't I?"

_Stop talking to yourself. It's not healthy._

_Then again, perhaps you wouldn't have sunk this low if you weren't still trapped here..._

_...MERLIN._

"James? Is someone down there?"

Flustered and taken by surprise as Lily called from upstairs, he stood up from his seat, promptly whacking his knee on something hard under the table. "Oh - ah - no," he replied, clearing his throat and rubbing his throbbing knee, "just thinking aloud, love!"

There was an amused laugh. "Well, keep it down! I'm putting Harry to bed and he's wired up enough as it stands."

"Sorry, sorry!" James pushed the chair in behind him and set about to turn everything off - the sink, the lights, and a bit more reluctantly; the radio. He felt an out-of-place chill creep up his spine, giving him goosebumps across his arms. He'd never stopped to think how eerie a house could seem in the dark - no lights, no sound, no movement. James's paranoia dissipated as quickly as it had come on as two joyous laughs rang out from the floor above him. _Harry always was quite ticklish,_ he thought with a smile and a huge, gaping yawn. _Well then, I'd better head upstairs as well, don't want to scare myself-_

And then James stumbled backwards, startled; catching himself on the cold marble countertop. Someone had banged on the door, or rang the bell; he couldn't remember which, he'd been too lost in his thoughts. Now all he was thinking about was who the bloody hell would be at the door - the Muggles thought their house was abandoned (he hadn't the foggiest how they managed to pull that off) and nobody else knew they were here. Perhaps it was Peter, he considered; but no, he knew Peter had told them he'd be away for the holiday, visiting family friends in, where did he say he was going, Scotland - or it could be Dumbledore - but he was just being hopeful -

"James?"

The laughter had ceased, and Lily Potter was scared. Her voice sounded small and soft and timid and James could tell it wasn't just the distance between the two that made it that way. He'd never seen Lily scared before - never truly afraid, and in an instant his wand was out and pointed at the door. He turned it in his hand nervously, slowly moving in front of the stairs; whoever it was they weren't going up there if it meant he was going to die to make it true. Swallowing with some difficulty, he responded, trying to keep his voice steady even though he knew it would shake anyway. "It's alright, Lily, I'm here-"

"Don't answer the door."

"I wasn't going to-"

"I love you, James."

James's blood ran cold. He fought to keep his voice from breaking. "I love you too, Lily. It's going to be okay - you should take Harry, take him and leave, just in case, and I'll be there soon - it's gonna be alright, flower-"

The door flew open abruptly, a curse shot past James's head, it'd missed him by a mere inch - and then he was yelling, screaming things, but he didn't know what he was saying - he couldn't tell who it was, who'd been at the door, who was aiming at him now - it was surreal, he couldn't hear anything, like his ears just shut off; he was falling backward - his head hit the stairs and he blacked out, red blossoming in his vision, he couldn't hear; couldn't feel - he felt like he was watching a silent movie unfold before him, but he was in it, and he had no control, he was just a marionette on strings that had been abandoned, blindly sending curses in all directions, hoping to get lucky - but he was just fooling himself, wasn't he - he was fighting a losing battle, but he had to try - had to - for Lily - for Harry -

And then there was a voice - and then pain - so much pain - he wanted to die - wanted it to end - someone was screaming - it was him -

The pain faded, but an ache lingered - he felt frozen, too stunned to move - but he needed to -

Green was everywhere, blocking his vision, he needed to see, see past the green - needed to protect his family - it was like his body just stopped working, his muscles went slack, the pain was gone, he felt sleepy - so tired - his wand rolled out of his hand, he was defenseless, but the unidentified intruder brushed past him - like he was nothing - like he wasn't even there -

He was thinking about everything at the same time, his brain was a mess -

It was a Death Eater - it was Voldemort -

Somebody was screaming again - it wasn't him this time - a woman - it was Lily, Lily was screaming - he was hurting her - Voldemort was hurting his family - it was all James's fault - he couldn't do anything - he didn't - he'd let them down, failed them - his fault -

He needed to say goodbye - to Sirius, and Remus, and Charlotte; Ella, Frank, and Alice - Frank and Alice, would they even know who he was? - and Marlene - no, Marlene was gone too - they were killing everybody - no reason, no reason - goodbye to Peter - knew their secret - he gave them up - betrayed them - it was the only possibility - nobody knew - everyone would think - Sirius -

James couldn't even complete a coherent thought, but there was so much to think about - he wasn't ready - wasn't ready to go - to die - but he was going to, wasn't he - for the first time in his life, he wanted to cry - but he couldn't - he was forgetting - couldn't remember - who was he - why - still holding on - didn't matter - useless - gone -


End file.
